Live, Laugh, Love.

For the past three and half months I was working my first job. I can’t say that it was awesome or anything. It was just a job to get by, seeing as how I moved 800 miles away from my parents right out of high school. I didn’t and still don’t have any intention of going to college.
But, the first few weeks of working there it was great. I was happy about actually contributing in my life and in the lives of others. Then, things started going downhill.
I had to file a sexual harassment report against a fellow employee which ended in him losing his job and me become the nark of the workplace.
I soon switched to the overnight shifts and thought everything was going great until about the third day when my manager looked at me and said to my face, “Go find something to do.” So, I did. The next day it happened again, and then the day after that. Finally I had enough and left work six hours early.
When I came back the next night my manager called me into his office and I was expecting to get a ration of shit for leaving the day before. Instead, he told me that he knew how annoyed I was with his lack of planning. He also told me that he had heard about my plans for my career and that he was very impressed. He said that he would soon fire me so that I could achieve my dreams without anything holding me back. He said that I would hate him for it but it would be well worth it.
I respected him for his honesty and belief in me.
However, as the days passed I could see myself wearing down and so could my family. I started to become distant and bitter with everyone. At first I couldn’t tell if it was just my manic-depressive disorder kicking in or if it was something else.
I just chalked it up as being my chemical imbalances. But, this was far worse than any of my other mood swings. I would wake up wishing that I had the courage to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I would pray that someone or something would just kill me. 
I knew the feeling all too well. It was a feeling that I had thought that I buried with all of my other skeletons from my past. I thought that I had forgiven these feelings a long time ago.
And then it hit me, I needed change. I didn’t feel like I was doing as much as I could of been. I knew I was much smarter and much more creative. I wasn’t challenging myself enough. We are living in the era of the artists, aren’t we?
My fiancee came to visit me last night at work. I was broke, out of cigarettes, and hungry as hell. And he brought me a love note and six hand-rolled cigarettes just to make me smile, but I cried and lashed out at him.
Then I thought to myself, “This isn’t me. The real me would have smiled and swelled up with love….but I just busted out with self-loathing pity and that is so…so wrong.”
I marched to my manager’s office and told him that I was quitting. I said that it was either going to kill me or my relationship and neither of those things are an option. I handed him my name badge and discount card and I left. 
At first I was happy and then I was scared….
But, I know what I’m meant for and I will make it happen. My possibilities are endless. 
So, I finished the final season of my favorite T.V. show, I took a shower, and now I am drinking coffee and writing. This has been, by far, the best Sunday morning I have had in a while. 
No more waiting. My time is now.  

austiimalii asked: Dear Jessica. You follow me too? :3 i only post a lot of pictures, but yeah! haha

Dear Austin Maly,
Of course!! (:

I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to write a blog about who I am. I never really used my Tumblr account other than to write down a random thought every now and then. Yesterday, however, I wrote a blog about American History X and decided that this was the perfect opprotunity to make all of my opinions and thoughts public. I would usually write my thoughts into a Facebook status and forget about it. But, I need to start using my Tumblr account as often as I use my facebook account.
I know that writing a blog is a function that Facebook offers but how often does anyone take the time to read it? Facebook is a place to check out what your friends have been up to…not read their 3 page long essay about their ideas and feelings.
Tumblr though, is a whole site dedicated to blogging. No status updates, instant chat, none of that. It is a site that people go to, to read and discuss.
I want my blog to be appealing to everyone. Let me start by saying though, I don’t care who follows my posts and who doesn’t. I just want to inspire people with my thoughts. I want people to read my blog and say, “That girl knows what she is talking about”. I want people to interact with me. I want opinions, answers, and most importantly, INSPIRATION!

With all of that being said, I want to write a bit about who I am so that everyone can get a better understanding of this blog.
My name is Jessica Anne. I’m nineteen-years-old and I am currently in a committed relationship.
Usually people start off an introduction saying, “I’m unlike any person you have ever met”. That is such a contradicting statement because with the amount of people that write that line, you are exactly like every person I’ve ever met.
But, I will say that I am different breed of teenage girl. A nineteen-year-old often thinks that after high school, life is a something that comes naturally. They go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, and die. I don’t think like that.
I believe that the world is my own personal playground. I am free to do whatever it is my heart desires. I can mold my life into the sculpture I see in my dreams.
I am an artist. I write, sing, draw, and paint. I put all of my hopes and dreams into the things that I create.
I have aspirations of becoming two very different things in life. I want to be a veterinary physician and I also want to be known for something great. I have had vivid dreams of everyone knowing my name. I won’t stop until I get that.
Like any other person, I have various addictions.
I am a smoker. I smoke Marlboro Smooth 100’s. I need to quit.
I drink. I don’t drink to get drunk anymore. That is a thing from the past that I refuse to ever let pop back up in my life again. I drink socially but sometimes to excess without ever really noticing.
I used to do drugs as well. I won’t go into detail about what kind of drugs I used to do…but, just know that I spent a lot of money just to kill a demon that was inside of me at one point in my life.

Just like any other person, I have gone through heartbreak. My heartbreak isn’t anymore important or any less significant than anyone else’s. I grew up in a very hate-filled environment that caused me to shut out the world when I really needed to let it in. I love my family. I appreciate everything they have ever done for me. Some of it may have been bad, but it was still a learning experience that, thankfully, I went through at a young age.

In August of 2011, I met my boyfriend, Otto.
Back when we were first dating, I told everybody that he lived in Denver previously.
Well, he didn’t. He actually lived in Quincy, Illinois. We had been friends on Facebook for several months prior to us meeting. We never talked until I had posted a status about going to Denny’s with a few friends. He posted a funny little comment that I laughed at. We kept the joke going for several hours until I sent him a personal message with my number.
We sent text messages back and forth for days. I was currently in a relationship with a guy that in no way treated me with any respect. One night, this guy had cheated on me…I went home in tears. I had no one to talk to. I couldn’t talk to my mom because I knew she would criticize me for seeing him after she had told me that I shouldn’t.
I swallowed my pride and reached out to someone that I hardly knew, Otto. I sent him a text message explaining what I had just gone through and within seconds, he was calling me. I was a little in shock because he had said something about being out with his friends earlier. I wasn’t expecting such a quick response.
He talked me through the whole thing and soon had me laughing. We talked for a little over six hours.
The next day, he called me as well. I explained to him that I had never been taken out on a real date. He said, “Well, I’m going to take you out on a date then”. I laughed it off. I didn’t think he would actually come all the way from Illinois to Colorado to take a girl that he didn’t know on a date.
A week later he was standing in my doorway. I packed my bags and went to the hotel suite that he rented.
There we were, two people with no intention of falling in love….and we did. On day three, he looked me in the eyes and told me that he was in love. I felt it too.
The day he had to leave to go back to Illinois was quite honestly one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. I didn’t want him to go…He was all that I wanted wrapped up into one man.
Three weeks later, I told my parents I was leaving and I was in Illinois. I’m still here today.
He is all that I want and all that I have. I wouldn’t trade him for the world.

Now that I have completely spilled my guts about my boyfriend, just know that I won’t be bringing up such matters in any of blogs again. I imagine that it was a very tedious thing to read through. I know I would find it tedious to read on someone’s blog.
I don’t usually like to talk about my personal life that often. So, it won’t be brought up. I want this blog to be used simply for my sparks of intelligence that sometimes occur.
It will be about everything. Movies, music, art, comedy blurbs, everything.
I just want this to be a safe haven for what I want to write.

I will be posting as often as I can. I’m also starting a youtube channel soon, so be on the look-out for that.
Please be curtious with your responses, I will try to reply to all of you in a timely matter.
Be aware that I will be starting my new job on the first of next month. My blog may be spaced out quite a bit if I am unable to find free time during the day.

If you have a Facebook account, please “like” my jewelry company’s page.
www.facebook.com/WCardResistance
We are a custom jewelry company that will make anything that you can think of(:
Once we hit 500 “likes” we will be randomly selecting someone to recieve a free original design piece of their choice!
Spread the word!

Thank you so much for reading!
-Jess

Okay, let me tell you guys something. We have all heard about this movie at least once in our lives. But, if anyone gives you the opportunity to watch it with them because you haven’t seen it yet…Say no. This movie is better off watched alone if you are seeing it for the first time.
I say this because I know when I watch a movie that I haven’t seen with somebody who already has, I don’t get a full understanding of the plot because that person is always quoting it or getting too excited for their “favorite part”.
Tonight was the first time that I viewed “American History X”. I’ve heard of it numerous times from friends and family but, because of all the hype, I didn’t have much of an interest in seeing it.
Tonight was a particularly boring night. I stayed at home while my boyfriend went out with his brother for dinner, he brought me home some food, I ate, we watched “This is Spinal Tap” and a few youtube videos, and then my boyfriend went off to his office to finish up some work. So, I was left to entertain myself for a few hours or at least until I decided to call it a night.
My boyfriend owns the movie on DVD and the case had been sitting on the TV stand for months. Every time I walked past it, I would make a mental note that I needed to watch it.
So, tonight I looked at the DVD case and said, “Well, fuck it. I have nothing better to do…except maybe sleep.”
I popped the DVD into the PS3 and prepared myself to sit through 119 minutes of pure ignorance. I say ignorance because I have heard more than I had wanted about this movie. I’ve seen the cover. I’ve associated with neo-nazis. That also played a big role in why I had never watched the film before.

Within 15 minutes, I was hooked. I could not stop watching. I was afraid to even blink. I was totally and completely captivated.
Some will say that this just a movie, others will say that this is just a great movie, I say it’s a piece of art.
The fact of the matter is, certain music, movies, and photos have a funny way of coming into a person’s life at the right time. Either they say exactly what that person is going through or what that person needs to do to get out of certain situation.
This happens to me a lot more often than I think.

By the end of the movie I was sobbing. The hardest I had cried in months.
No, it had nothing to do with the death of the youngest brother…It had to do with the circumstances of his death. It was done out of hatred. He was killed because he was hated by a group of people that didn’t even know who he really was.

“So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned - my conclusion, right? Well, my conclusion is: Hate is baggage. Life’s too short to be pissed off all the time. It’s just not worth it. Derek says it’s always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can’t top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you’d like. ‘We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.’”

That is exactly what I had learned.
I am a very hateful person. I always have been. The human race literally disgusts me. I will be sweet and kind to your face but in my head I will be adding up every flaw I see about you in my head. And with those flaws I will ultimately decide if you are worth my time or not. You could simply look strange to me and I won’t like you.
It could be something that you say to me that doesn’t make sense or appeal to me…I won’t be up front and tell you how I feel because if I did, it would come out sounding like a slew of obscenities.
My mom would always say the same thing to me, “Life is too short to harbor hatred”. But, her and I never had a strong relationship therefore causing me to overlook her wisdom with this statement because I always believed that her herself hated me..And I figured she would never let it go. It all sounded hypocritical to me.
Hypocrisy has never set well with me.
Until today, I had thought that expressing my hatred for others would aleve me from it…The news flash was that it doesn’t. It makes it even stronger.
If you are kind to others, they will be kind to you. That may not be the case all the time but it still feels better than stooping down to their level.

Some people will read this and think, “Yeah, that has to be the stupidest thing anyone has ever realised about themselves.” 
It might be to someone who doesn’t look at the world the way that I do…But to the people that do, they will find this very beneficial in more ways than one.

I’ve come to notice the winter holidays have lost their meaning…and it’s not even the winter holidays anymore. It’s every holiday…even the holidays that aren’t American but Americans still celebrate them because it gives them an excuse to celebrate something.
Thanksgiving and Christmas is now a time to have paid vacation, drink, eat, and bitch about your family and the job that is paying you to do nothing for a whole week. I was raised to show thanks and love to the people around me during this time of the year and I intend on doing so.
When my father remarried however, our holidays became different because he married a woman that does the complete opposite during this season. She would try to ruin every Christmas I had from the time I was 13 till the time I was 18. It never really bothered me much though because I wasn’t about to let one person bring me down from my high.
Last night I was at walmart. We were standing in the checkout lane behind a group of black women (not that their race had anything to do with it). They were all complaining about how the store only had one checkout lane open and they had too much stuff. Well, it was 1 A.M., so of course they would only have the tobacco lane open. One of them turned around and apologized for the wait. Normally, I wouldn’t have cared but the negativity turned me off. I nudged my boyfriend and asked him, “How many fucking meals are they going to make tomorrow?”. I realized afterward that my negative comments were just making the situation even more unbearable for him and for me as well.
When we finally made it out to our vehicle, he discussed how unbelivable it was that people could act so negative while setting up for Thanksgiving. I had to agree. That was the reason why I was becoming irritable in line. I had lived with that sort of attitude in my own home for five years. I figured that because I was spending Thanksgiving with my boyfriend and his family this year that I wouldn’t have to deal it, and when I saw it coming from another person, I became upset.
I really do think that everyone should be happy and good to the people that they love around this time of the year because that’s what the holidays are there for; to bring people closer together.
It isn’t for eating, getting drunk, having time off of work, or complaining about that one black sheep family member. It’s about coming together, loving each other, and maybe showing some acceptance to that black sheep in your family.

I know some people have different views on what should be done during this time of the year, but being a scrooge isn’t just hurting your family, it’s hurting everyone you complain to and the people that can hear you.
So, have a good Thanksgiving, Christmas, or whatever other holiday you celebrate!
But, before you do..Stop for five minutes and figure out why you are celebrating it.

I hate people that will say that they want nothing to do with drama, yet they create their own. When I honestly don’t want anything to do with something, I will leave the situation as quick as possible. However, if I feel the cause is worth fighting for, I won’t stop until I win.
I also hate the people that will talk shit about others when they have no room to talk at all. Especially when they are talking shit about someone who has done nothing but good for them. It really baffles me how somebody could be so cruel.
Another thing, the people that think they can talk badly about someone to their equally as stupid friends without anyone finding out…is terribly mistaken. People have crazy ways of figuring things out.

So, on to the real shit.
The fact that somebody with no life, no originality, and no soul would honestly talk crap about the things that she has no idea about and has no relevance in the matter, absolutely makes me sick. She acts as if she has every right to say whatever she’d like because she believes that she holds some sort of power over anyone and everyone.
Well, just so you know…you aren’t Jesus.
Talking about how you are more successful than someone else doesn’t make you any more successful. It makes you a shit talker and it will ultimately will end in you getting nowhere. So, please for the sake of my entertainment…keep going. You’re making me giggle because I know exactly where you will end up.
You’ll see. When you and your stupid friend are still working the average nine to five, we will be sitting on top of the world…but, the funny thing is, we will be humble and not lessen your signifigance in the world because as I had stated before, it would just end with karma biting us as it had you.
So, keep it coming because I cannot wait for karma to come around to get you. I CANNOT WAIT!

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ENGLAND!